The freedom in giving it up

Wow, so much is happening and I haven't even had time to update the end of Ecuador! But I will...Here's the new stuff:

Thursday and Saturday I went down to Kenai to look at land. Where at once I was certain about God's plan to move me to Kenai and I was seeing confirmation, now I'm confused again. It's not that I'm sensing not to buy land down there, just that if (IF) med school is really what I'm hearing than I don't see how the two go together. Unless the property is an investment to pay tuition bills. Either way I know the how is not my department, we are just called to act in faith. So here's my decision, I'm going to get land if something comes up, I'm also going to take Anatomy and Physiology and start studying for the MCATs. Then I'll pray for God to open and close which doors he feels like. So I'll probably put in an offer this week depending on what Darren's opinion on the lots is.

Saturday I had called the Baldwins and left a message I was in town, I didn't hear back at all so I figured I should just go back to Girdwood. But trying to mail a letter I locked my keys in the truck and it took quite a while to get them back. Just as I was back on the road and leaving Soldotna, Ross's dad called back and I turned around. It was a great night with Rick, Bobbie, Becky, Sophie, and Brant. I really miss having family around Alaska. But bedtime came and I wasn't sleepy yet so I had plenty of time to think. Dangerous, eh? There was a guy I was excited to possibly start dating and spent a bunch of time together Friday night. Things looked pretty promising...but the realization started to sink in that this wasn't in God's plan, at least not yet. Forget career aspirations, I don't care how well I did in school my priorities circled around having a family and kids but it was looking like God didn't have that in store anytime in the near future. I felt like I needed to choose between my dreams and God. Fortunately all those prayers for wisdom and patience came to afront. Saturday night I realized that when I decided Jesus was the most important thing in my life I was still holding that relationship/marriage card in my control yet praying for him to make it work. Saturday night for the first time I gave my entire life to Jesus Christ.

I can tell you now that the instant I gave up my own hopes, dreams, and ambitions, God delivered me from the fear and anxiety I had about finding a husband. It is not in my control any longer. That's not saying I don't still hope for it, but it's a good hope not one of idolization and shifted priorities. Lee Hudson from Change Point told me my problem was with relationships. But I had it under control..."I didn't let it interfer" with my walk with God. But God doesn't want us to control everything, our mind still isn't right then. He wants us to rely and trust on him and admit we are powerless without him. The really funny "coincidence" is that the message from Dan Jarrell at ChangePoint Sunday was right in line with what I learned Saturday night. Dan talked about giving it all up for God. One of his points was that if he resist and rebel we will lose it anyway. It was something I could agree with, but I'm glad that was not the thought that changed my mind Saturday night. Saturday night my focus was on Nick as much as myself. I was thinking that it wouldn't be fair for me to go into a relationship with him that was only half way since I didn't know whether or not I'd be going to med school. At this time in my life with the inability to commit the relationship would only be serving a fleshly desire and causing temptation. The fact that he was okay with no sex before marriage did not mean the thoughts would be vanquished as well. Right now my goal is to be-Christ-like in all my relationships. (Sorry Ross and Daniel you have been my true friends while I'm trying to figure out how to be a good friend--these guys have stuck by me anyways even when I failed miserably and inadvertantly hurt them.)

If God blesses me with singleness for my entire life I will be able to serve him with all my mind, heart, soul, and strength. If he blesses me with a family down the road I will praise him as well and hopefully remember this lesson and still serve him with all my mind, heart, soul, and strength. Thank you for reading because I'm bursting with anticipation and joyfulness at this new step in my faith. Thank you for sharing it and please tell me yours...